desired tenderness #4
on disassociation and dating
Like most girlies with a great personality, I have a nice tidy pile of trauma in my past. I know, it’s hard to believe that I was not able to maintain my mint condition still-in–original-packaging brain while trudging through the absolute hellacious bog of the last three decades, but here we are. One of the results of this trauma is my brain’s development of a handy dandy coping mechanism — dissociation. Disassociation can most easily be explained as both being there and not being there at the same time, like a magic trick that skews more white jacket than white rabbit. Now in my experience, I have discovered it is generally frowned upon to refer to this behavior as “winning at emotions” to mental health professionals, and as such it is now slowly and gently being pried out of my white knuckled fists. But today, I am here to share how I accidentally hacked my dissociative tendencies and found real love.
Now, one of the things I really struggle with is positive “I am…” statements. Things like I am worthy, I am lovable lead to I am slowly drifting away from my body and yet still somehow acutely nauseous. So, imagine trying to put together a successful dating profile without thinking of a positive “I am” statement. It’s tricky. One day I was listening to a podcast series about how data experts suspect dating apps might fuel their predictive algorithms. I can’t fully explain it but hearing such a logical assessment of what drives engagement success on these emotionally hand wringing platforms put me into a semi-dissociative state. Oh, so dating apps aren’t a dark, churning sea of personal rejection — they are basically just geo targeted digital advertising for a product. And we, us, we are that product. Oh I thought as I drifted away from my body irritatingly anchored in space time, I am The Product. I am not writing about me, or choosing a picture of myself. It’s a description and image of The Product. This wasn’t even dating — this was marketing. And for those of you who don’t know, I am very good at marketing. That was when things really kicked into gear.
First, I would need to identify the desired action. I was of the opinion that the highest conversion driver would be for the target audience to interact directly with The Product — a first hand demo as it were. So, I should be primarily focused on upping brand awareness with the intention to drive demos aka “going on a date”. Great. Now it was just a matter of identifying The Product’s competitive features and benefits, and developing a series of compelling CTAs. After all, in a saturated market, what made The Product unique? Because it’s totally fine if The Product isn’t for everyone! Obviously every single person in the entire world needed to love and accept me, or I would absolutely wither like a fragile grove overcome by locusts. But the goal of marketing The Product was to sift through a broad audience to identify and market to the ideal consumer. Just the one. One who delights in the features, adores the benefits and is ideally even a pretty big fan of the packaging. One who was looking to sign an exclusive contract complete with a clause for a (fingers crossed) multi-year renewal.
Now, admittedly, some of The Product’s features were occasionally glitchy, and you might say the benefits skew towards a longer term ROI. Because yes, okay, The Product was still very much in active development at the time it went to market. However, I was spending good money on Quality Assurance with a very nice therapist named Katie* who admittedly, found this line of thinking worrisome. “Rebecca, I think we really should take a step back and continue processing trauma before we put all this energy towards dating”. But listen, The Product was already 33, so The Product replied “But Katie, I thought we both agreed that no one has to be completely healed in order to be worthy of love”. Really got her with that one**. But you know, if you are going to sell The Product, you have to at least pretend to believe in it goddammit.
Now, would I recommend disassociating in order to try to find success within a secretive algorithm built to keep you engaged through an addictive cycle of excitement and disappointment? No. But, I got lucky. I happened to meet Zack. And all jokes aside, Zack really loves me. Like, me me.
So yes, in marketing The Product I did stumble into a miraculous, humbling, magically real romance. But even within the happiness and safety of that shared love, I still have to continue to find my way towards being more present with myself, in myself, of myself. Because there is more to all of us than The Product that we create of ourselves (and the dating tech conglomerate makes billions on). So, I am working to remind myself, I am me. And that becomes more of a positive “I am…” statement everyday***.
***Terms and conditions apply.
**Please do not think that trying to do a “gotcha” on your therapist is a good or healthy thing.
* Not her real name, but I am now realizing I did unintentionally choose my sister’s name as a replacement, which is maybe something I should explore in therapy.
This was 100 percent my hype up song during The Product dating era. And let’s be real, any song that starts with girl, I’m about to have a panic attack probably gets an immediate add to the permanent soundtrack of my life. It has such a nice I’m So Excited by The Pointer Sisters energy while still acknowledging the absolute terror that comes with opening ourselves up to being known. Am I ready to be loved? It’s a hell of a question, and a hell of a song.
Hope / Shitstorm, Emmy Bright Silkscreen on Paper 2018
I met Emmy Bright (she/they) during an art residency and have been absolutely besotted ever since. Their ability to strike the creative tuner of universal angst against personal anecdote achieves a clumsy harmony that feels very, very true to me. MORE STUPIDS is a book and tarot deck that combines autobiography, critical theory, diagrams and dumb jokes. As the description promises/threatens “you may use the set in many ways. None are correct.”
This podcast is one of a six part series by Land of the Giants that explores the history and influence of the multi-billion dollar dating app industry. Learn about the Match Group dating tech monopoly and how the app algorithm might actually be working, and for who exactly.